Interviewnet V. 3 N. 9

In our last hot interview with Adam Rothstein, Jerk Emeritus, he regaled us with tales of his adventures among the mole people. He was just finishing telling us about how he and the beautiful-but-deadly Mistress of Numbers escaped the clutches of The Claw ™ and saved the internet from certain doom…

[rothstei]: Did she pulls out the “Numbers,” so to speak? Is that how you survived?

Adam Rothstein: No, we both died. I don’t want to talk about that anymore. Instead I’d rather talk about myself.

[r]: Oh, ok. Well, in regards to the recent political debate here on www.grin...

AR: See that’s exactly what I’m not talking about. I’m talking about…

[r]: Class warfare? Class consciousness? Race warfare? Race consciousness?

AR: No, no, maybe, no. It’s more of a feeling I guess, a sort of “knowing when one is right, and then totally being right all the time."

[r]: Are you bringing this back to the topic of your strict and uncompromising heterosexuality [V.2. N. 69]?

AR: Well it’s similar, yet entirely different. And by different, well, yeah… hetero. Not like, gay, different. Like totally straight.

[r]: But in your afore mentioned dreams of September 4th, 1989…

AR: No, no, that’s not it all. How come you don’t know what I’m talking about? I know what I’m talking about.

[r]: Well, if we may, let’s turn to one of the many letters that [rothstei] has received. [trowtbac] of Nova Scotia writes, “Who is this [rothstei] guy anyway? Is it even a person? Why does he edit and delete his plan in the span of 15 minutes, before anyone has had a chance to read it? I’m going to go read [eatmeat]. They’ve had the same plan up for almost a year now. That is the sort of regularity I can handle!”

AR: Obviously, [trowtbac], once you GRADUATE and EXPERIENCE some of the REAL world YOU might know A LITTLE bit about WHAT you’re TALKING about!

[r]: Are you this much of an asshole in real life?

AR: VAPIDITY! PURE UNABASHED VAPIDITY!!!

[r]: Do you think if you had your entire name as the title of your Plan, you would think a little longer before lashing out at people you don’t even know?

AR: Well, this might be as good a time as any to plug my new book/album, Shut UP: A Pretty Awesome Addition to Discourse, that Defies All Current Genrefication. It costs money.

[r]: Available at all real retailers, I’m sure.

AR: Genrefication is really one of the biggest political issues facing students, arts, literature, and punk music today.

[r]: If you had to cite a point of departure, in terms of genre, for your book, what would it be?

AR: Somewhere between post-punk and Microsoft Word mail merge, I think. And totally White. That is, pro-monarchist, not anything to do with melanin. The tough part is breaking back into the genrefication, you know, to get your own fair share of the pie. If you really want to be the one who started “it all,” you have to be different, but not too out there, otherwise you can’t claim to have influenced everyone else. And don’t get stuck with one of those “post” genres either… at first people think its really cool, but after a while it becomes cooler to think you’re not cool. That shit ain’t cool.

[r]: I can see you’ve given this a lot of thought.

AR: Well, not really. Don’t want to be too corporate about it. You know, keep that whole totally-sweet-totally-almost-garbage DIU thing going.

[r]: You mean DIY?

AR: No, Dubitable Irony Usage. Nobody knows what it means. Only that it’s a thing to be, not to do. That why using yourself is totally in. As long as you can make other people believe. That is, sell it. That is, sell up.

[r]: Out?

AR: Done already? Fine I’m going home.

[r]: Any last remarks?

AR: Yeah, hipsters ain’t shit but hos and tricks. But buy my album/book. Free [jungesam]!